The privelege of being a Mother

So it was Mother’s day this past weekend. As a family, we do not celebrate Mother’s , Father’s or Valentine’s day – Reason being that every day is a day to tell that relationship – that you love them. However, yesterday being my first ever Mother’s day, I got all nostalgic about being a Mum. So while I have nothing great to write about celebrations around the day, I want to share how special it is being a mum.

Since my daughter has been conceived, I am grateful for being a woman. I always thought that the man has it easy in society. No gender bias, no gender role expectations of being super humans and No Periods!! I thought they had it all. That was only till I had not had my daughter. Everything has changed since. I feel privileged to be a Mum – to have given birth to a child (another life). I even don’t mind those wretched periods any more. It is all worth it.

I am happy for women as a collective. We do have something that the men do not have. A privilege that is exclusively ours – a privilege that you can understand only if you go through it.

Sorry if this sounds like a male bashing piece. It really is not, but I can’t articulate how everything becomes ok just by having a child. I guess, becoming a mother unleashes a certain inner strength in you where nothing else matters.

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Lessons Learnt from Hiring a Nanny

You can read about a detailed description of my experience of hiring a Nanny. Thsi is a quick recap of all the lessons I learnt.

• Never doubt your gut
• While doing a reference check, be observant of the language the refrees use (One of the refrees kept using words like Honey while talking to me and it just did not sound right. I thought she was one of the Nannies relatives. Also, two of the numbers that she gave me were never reachable. Those folks did not call me back. So, in retrospect I had only 1 real referal for her)
• Get the Nanny to do things. She can claim to move mountains while she talks to you. (Nanny number 1 had worked as a CNA, knew CPR (for which I was paying her big bucks), and had worked with babies – but clearly, she could not make a bottle of formula milk correctly and was inept at taking instructions around such things)
• They say it takes a village to raise a child – that is why get your village (other friends) to casually visit with the nanny during her interview. It is always good to have another opinion apart from your spouse and yours.
• You may feel that your baby is a good barometer of the Nanny’s success, but really your baby knows nothing. My daughter will smile at anyone and be happy with anyone. She is non-fussy and easy going. This means I have to be extra vigilant. My daughter was happy with Nanny number 1, but really I had to watch out for my daughter. As a new mom it is all one big learning expereince.
• Always get someone who has had their own kids. I was told this when I started the interview process, but chose to ignore this advice when hiring my first Nanny. I later realized that there were some things that would frazzle her just cause she thought my daughter was too delicate. Nanny number is a grandmom – she has become my go to person for advice. As a new mom I really know nothing, she has kids and grandkids and has a wealth of knowledge that I am benfetting from.
• Pay a rate that you are comfortable with. I realized that I was paying Nanny 1 way over the going rate. I agreed to it then because I thought I was getting a professional. One red flag went off when I was ref checking for her, the refree told me that the Nanny had requested that I do not disclose how much she was charging. In my converstion Nanny 1 had told me that she was chrging this particular family “a lot”. I suspect it was quite the opposite.
• Do not commit to things at the outset – such as food, TV etc. See how it goes and keep adding these priveleges as you go along.

This person is caring for the most precious thing in your life, so you want to get it right. I will be happy to share with you how much I am paying the Nanny, job responsibilities etc. Just reach out.

 

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Hiring a Nanny

As soon as my daughter turned three and half months, I was oferred a new job and that meant deciding on baby care options. As you already know, we decided to go with a Nanny. So, I started the search by sending out requests for leads to my network of mommies and browsing profiles on care.com and sittercity.com.

I also reached out to a friend who had just finished hiring a baby sitter. She happened to talk to me about it when she came to see my daughter and so, I reached out to her for information on a Nanny she had really liked, but not hired. I called the said Nanny and asked her to come over for a visit the following day. I guess somewhere sub consciously, I was already convinced that I was going to hire her. I liked her the minute I saw her. My daughter smiled at her and was comfortable in being held by her and that was good for me. I asked her a couple of questions around her experience and how she would do things and decided to go with her. I checked her references, did a background check – everything by the book before I said a yes. It was strange how being in a job search myself influenced the whole hiring process. I was giving to my Nanny all the benfits, I wanted others to give me.

Well I started work and so did my Nanny. The first week went off very well, but then slowly things started getting weird. I had red flags going up every day, nothing major, but my instincts kept telling me that I had made the wrong decision. As the Nanny got more and more comfortable, things kept getting more and more out of hand. Our Nanny first started eating our food. I had made it clear that she had to bring her own food simply because I did not have the bandwidth to shop for another person. A slice or two of bread really does not matter, but she could eat half a loaf of bread in a day. She would open sealed boxes of food, which in my opinion was totally inappropriate. Eventually she started cooking at my place.

She was also not feeding the baby correctly. She did not measure the baby’s formula correctly which caused my baby to get extremely constipated. She could not follow instructions. Within three weeks of her being with us, we decided that she had to go.

I felt guilty about judging another person, but after it started effecting my baby, she just had to go. Fortunately I met someone at work who had the exact same Nanny (what are the chances!) who validated everything I was aprehending. She confirmed my instincts were on target and pretty much two days later the Nanny was let go.

We now have an amazing person, who again was recommended by this colleague at work. She has turned out to be spectacular. However, the second time around, my interviewing was very different. I met three people and instead of asking then waht they did, I asked them to come spend 4 hours at home with me and the baby. During this time I got them to feed and bathe my daughter. Just by watching them handle my daughter, I knew who would work for me – and this time we got it right. I also invited my neighbor for a third opinion (apart from my husband and mine). I did not conduct any refernce or background checks for this Nanny. I just went on collective gut feel.

I also took a day off from work, to show her how I want things done. My nanny has been spectacular. She makes my daughter laugh and play. Also, as an additional bonus she helps us with some hosuekeeping work.

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Nanny vs. Daycare

Leaving your baby behind in someone else’s care is probably one of the toughest decisions. Should you go with a daycare or a Nanny? Well I was in this situation a couple months ago and decided to reach out to some of my “Mum” friends to get a perspective. I also spoke to my family and after getting all opinions, my husband and I decided to go with a Nanny.

Our reasons for doing so:

1.) Our daughter was very small. Just 3 months and we wanted her to stay in her own environment.

2.) I went back to work in the winter and so, I really did not want her to get sick through exposure to other kids

3.) The day care that we were most interested in was unavailable

4.) Our daughter was still sleeping a lot at the time and so, we felt that she really did not need the social interaction at the time

5.) I wanted her to continue to Skype with my family, which would not be possible if we sent her to day care

6.) I wanted one on one attention to be given to her

7.) We didn’t want to drag a sleeping child out in the cold to drop off at the day care

Apprehensions:

1.) Can we trust the Nanny with our baby?

2.) Can we trust the Nanny with our home?

3.) What will it be like to leave another person unsupervised with the baby?

We weighed the pros and cons and decided to go with a Nanny. In four months we have gone through 2 nannies. Our first hire was a learning experience and our second hire is just awesome. Knock on wood.

 

 

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Job search & Pregnancy

I moved to a new city in Feb,2011. As soon as we moved, I started looking for a job right away. Networking, meeting people – the usual job search routine. Somewhere when the job search had picked up momentum, I found out that I was pregnant. Now that got me thinking what should I do – Should I tell people I am pregnant or should I just stay quiet. I read a lot of posts online regarding how to break the news of my pregnancy – should one of my searches materialize and decided I will take a call when the time comes. However in reading these posts, I realized that it was illegal for anyone to discriminate on the basis of my pregnancy and that I had every right not to tell them of my situation. However, a lot of people had taken the offer in hand and before accepting let the manger know that they were pregnant. Most of them had all ended up with their jobs and the situation seemed all good.

As time progressed, I got less aggressive about my job search. However, there was one company that had received my resume in the initial phase and as luck would have it they offered me the job. I was so excited, because after 7 long years of trying – I had finally got a foot in the door (Being an immigrant spouse (F2 or H4) makes it very difficult to find a job, specially if you are not from the STEM areas). I wondered what to do? I spoke to others in my profession and got mixed opinions, but I decided to go with my gut and let my hiring manager know that I was pregnant.

I set up a face to face meeting to let him know. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that the job was out of my hands. I felt really disheartened, but being the true optimist that I am, I kept hoping for the best. Of course my instincts were bang on! The hiring manager stopped responding to my emails/messages. I got more and more frustrated with each passing day and really it did not help my cause. I considered suing, but decided against it since I did not want to burn bridges.

Eventually my daughter was born 5 weeks early in October and I was super thrilled to be a mom. Job or no job it really did not matter. I continued my vlounteer work and was happy to get out once in a while when suddenly in January, the hiring manager got back in touch and asked if I was available to start. I was upset about his actions in the past, but really had no motivation to go looking for a job all over again and so, I accepetd the position and started working at the end of Feb.

I started writing this post in October and did not really complete it as I was very frustrated with my experience. However, today I have clarity and would like to share with you my learnings. When I was refused the job, I guess it was in my interest. I had regular check ups and don’t know how I would have juggled work and my pregnancy.

Besides, the hiring manager’s behavior really made me question whether or not I wanted to work with him. My aprehensions have proven to be correct. he is an ineffective manager and I hate my job, but having a child changes everything. It sort of puts things in perspective. I had certain reasons why I wanted this job. All those reasons are being addressed and in the long run sticking it out in this imperfect situation will work out too.

I try to look at the bright side and am happy to be able to get up and leave my desk on the dot of 4 to get back to my little one on time. I am glad for the relaxed routine as it allows me time to do things that I can’t do at home such as engage in social media, read news or update my blog.

If you are an immigrant spouse on an F2 or H4, then I feel your pain. We come all this way sacrificing a large part of our identity in the hope that things will work out. It is a struggle, but eventually things do work out. They may not fit your plan, but really, maybe your plan was not so perfect after  all.

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